How to Get Through an Identity Crisis in 30 Minutes or Less

I was feeding the family fish and it got me thinking...

Goldie is a blue/green Betta fish that my daughter selected from the local pet store.

It is a female tropical fish with an identity crisis.

The fish is clearly not gold, but I suppose it does have some shine to it.

My daughter was not open to any other name. In fact, she had picked the name prior to going to the store. The expectation was that we would be purchasing a goldfish. We found out that a goldfish can not live without a filter system. Despite buying a blue coloured fish the name remained Goldie.

Now we have a blue fish with a permanent identity crisis. Imagine what the other Betta fish would say about her. Would she forever feel like an outcast, an unwelcome stranger or misfit if she was reunited with her fellow species?

Do you ever feel like that as an introvert in this extrovert world we live in? Our reserved behaviour is often labeled incorrectly. Quiet is often viewed as being secretive or aloof. We are often misunderstood and it's annoying.

What I've experienced is that this scenario can trigger self doubt and often leads to questioning my worth or value. When I was younger I would spend far too long in a negative mental space asking the big questions: Who am I? Why am I here? What makes me unique and valuable? etc. etc.

I've learned after many bruises and bumps along the way how to speed up the process of getting back to my sense of self, my comfortable and confident core, and ending an identity crisis quickly.

Remember Peak Experiences

What I do is remember the top experiences in my life. The times when I was truly shining brightly. The times when I was fully 'in flow', in control, feeling expansive, influential, powerful and contributing in an authentic way to the best of my ability. These are the times when I have actually shed a tear with my clients. The tears are not from sadness but from the realization that we have both been transformed by a deep truth as a result of our coaching conversation.

A trip down memory lane, remembering the peak experiences is a simple but amazingly powerful technique that I come back to regularly. If you'd rather have a more tangible device simply update your resume and it will remind you of your best work and the tangible results you've accomplished.

A word of warning!

Beware that doing this exercise can also trigger negative self talk. Don't let yourself go there. This is not about the number of peak experiences or the size of the results you've created.

Look for the positive learning and stay focused on what this exercise is meant to do. Sit in the greatness of who you are by tapping into your best moments, even if it's only one moment, and build from that positive sense of self worth.

Take 30 minutes or less right now and reflect on a time when you felt you were making a contribution that others valued. Where were you? Who was with you? What were you doing? What impact did you have? How might you create a similar experience again?

This works for me. I hope it works for you too.

Now, how might I get this message to the blue fish called Goldie?!

How to Attract the Love of Your Life AND All the Business You Can Handle

What are the two most common topics related to introversion?

The most common topics are shyness (which isn't introversion but people often view them as the same thing) as it relates to finding the woman of your dreams and social awkwardness as it relates to networking or self promotion.

I think the answer to both scenarios are the gifts of authentic curiosity and appreciative listening.

Taking a deep interest in someone else is very rare. Sad but true. This is certainly not a new idea but it is one that clearly needs to be repeated.

How deep can people really go when they are following thousands of others on Twitter? How often does someone actually take the time to ask you about (and actually listen to) your life, your hopes and dreams and your work, beyond chit chat and small talk?

Think back to a situation where someone was deeply interested in you and how you felt at the time. You likely felt a deep connection (love?) with the other person and will have a tough time forgetting about them.

In Waterloo where I live there is a small sandwich shop called Pilot Pita and the two guys that run it always ask me (and every other customer), "How's the weekend shaping up?"

For a moment a conversation happens that is surprisingly moving. I won't speak for others but for myself I feel a stronger connection with that pita place as a result of the owners showing some interest in my life, even if it is just for a few moments while they whip up my Chicken Caesar with all the fixings.

We are often caught up in our own stuff and fail to see the yearning for a listening ear. When I let my curiosity and my heart guide me and forget about my own agenda I engage in rich conversations and it has often led to attracting business and yes, even the love of my life.

Paying attention to someone, being authentically interested in their lives is a powerfully magnet that draws people closer because it is so rare. We all want to be heard and appreciated for who we are.  Let's look at a few ways to put this idea into action.

First, here is a tip to feed your need to be heard and appreciated in a world where this is not common, especially for men.

1. Set up co-coaching relationships

I tend to be the listener and questioner so I cherish authentic, mutually supportive conversations with my coaching pal Paul Falconer. I would encourage you to seek out co-coaching relationships with other entrepreneurs who are genuinely interested in listening to you and supporting you. Note: I recorded a late night 3-hour Skype conversation with Paul that blew my mind and I will share some of the highlights in a future blog.

Next, here are some questions that easily start conversations and draw people closer. These have worked for me. Why not try them out?

2. Ask people you know, "How are you?". If they want to talk they will say more than "fine". This simple question opens up a rich conversation, usually about their struggles. 

3. Ask people you are meeting for the first time, "What do you do?" and then "What do you love the most about what you do?". Whether it's a stranger at a networking event or (in my past) a women I was interested in when I focused on what they were excited about the conversation just felt really good. When people leave smiling you know you have connected with their heart and you will have the opportunity for further conversations.

Finally, be an appreciative listener by using these follow up responses:

• Thank you, <name>, for telling me about <subject>. 
• When you were speaking, I noticed <observation>.
• You made me think about.../It was interesting that.../You really helped me...

I encourage you to activate your authentic curiosity by remembering how rare a listening ear truly is and put these ideas to work.