How to Get Through an Identity Crisis in 30 Minutes or Less

I was feeding the family fish and it got me thinking...

Goldie is a blue/green Betta fish that my daughter selected from the local pet store.

It is a female tropical fish with an identity crisis.

The fish is clearly not gold, but I suppose it does have some shine to it.

My daughter was not open to any other name. In fact, she had picked the name prior to going to the store. The expectation was that we would be purchasing a goldfish. We found out that a goldfish can not live without a filter system. Despite buying a blue coloured fish the name remained Goldie.

Now we have a blue fish with a permanent identity crisis. Imagine what the other Betta fish would say about her. Would she forever feel like an outcast, an unwelcome stranger or misfit if she was reunited with her fellow species?

Do you ever feel like that as an introvert in this extrovert world we live in? Our reserved behaviour is often labeled incorrectly. Quiet is often viewed as being secretive or aloof. We are often misunderstood and it's annoying.

What I've experienced is that this scenario can trigger self doubt and often leads to questioning my worth or value. When I was younger I would spend far too long in a negative mental space asking the big questions: Who am I? Why am I here? What makes me unique and valuable? etc. etc.

I've learned after many bruises and bumps along the way how to speed up the process of getting back to my sense of self, my comfortable and confident core, and ending an identity crisis quickly.

Remember Peak Experiences

What I do is remember the top experiences in my life. The times when I was truly shining brightly. The times when I was fully 'in flow', in control, feeling expansive, influential, powerful and contributing in an authentic way to the best of my ability. These are the times when I have actually shed a tear with my clients. The tears are not from sadness but from the realization that we have both been transformed by a deep truth as a result of our coaching conversation.

A trip down memory lane, remembering the peak experiences is a simple but amazingly powerful technique that I come back to regularly. If you'd rather have a more tangible device simply update your resume and it will remind you of your best work and the tangible results you've accomplished.

A word of warning!

Beware that doing this exercise can also trigger negative self talk. Don't let yourself go there. This is not about the number of peak experiences or the size of the results you've created.

Look for the positive learning and stay focused on what this exercise is meant to do. Sit in the greatness of who you are by tapping into your best moments, even if it's only one moment, and build from that positive sense of self worth.

Take 30 minutes or less right now and reflect on a time when you felt you were making a contribution that others valued. Where were you? Who was with you? What were you doing? What impact did you have? How might you create a similar experience again?

This works for me. I hope it works for you too.

Now, how might I get this message to the blue fish called Goldie?!

How to Attract the Love of Your Life AND All the Business You Can Handle

What are the two most common topics related to introversion?

The most common topics are shyness (which isn't introversion but people often view them as the same thing) as it relates to finding the woman of your dreams and social awkwardness as it relates to networking or self promotion.

I think the answer to both scenarios are the gifts of authentic curiosity and appreciative listening.

Taking a deep interest in someone else is very rare. Sad but true. This is certainly not a new idea but it is one that clearly needs to be repeated.

How deep can people really go when they are following thousands of others on Twitter? How often does someone actually take the time to ask you about (and actually listen to) your life, your hopes and dreams and your work, beyond chit chat and small talk?

Think back to a situation where someone was deeply interested in you and how you felt at the time. You likely felt a deep connection (love?) with the other person and will have a tough time forgetting about them.

In Waterloo where I live there is a small sandwich shop called Pilot Pita and the two guys that run it always ask me (and every other customer), "How's the weekend shaping up?"

For a moment a conversation happens that is surprisingly moving. I won't speak for others but for myself I feel a stronger connection with that pita place as a result of the owners showing some interest in my life, even if it is just for a few moments while they whip up my Chicken Caesar with all the fixings.

We are often caught up in our own stuff and fail to see the yearning for a listening ear. When I let my curiosity and my heart guide me and forget about my own agenda I engage in rich conversations and it has often led to attracting business and yes, even the love of my life.

Paying attention to someone, being authentically interested in their lives is a powerfully magnet that draws people closer because it is so rare. We all want to be heard and appreciated for who we are.  Let's look at a few ways to put this idea into action.

First, here is a tip to feed your need to be heard and appreciated in a world where this is not common, especially for men.

1. Set up co-coaching relationships

I tend to be the listener and questioner so I cherish authentic, mutually supportive conversations with my coaching pal Paul Falconer. I would encourage you to seek out co-coaching relationships with other entrepreneurs who are genuinely interested in listening to you and supporting you. Note: I recorded a late night 3-hour Skype conversation with Paul that blew my mind and I will share some of the highlights in a future blog.

Next, here are some questions that easily start conversations and draw people closer. These have worked for me. Why not try them out?

2. Ask people you know, "How are you?". If they want to talk they will say more than "fine". This simple question opens up a rich conversation, usually about their struggles. 

3. Ask people you are meeting for the first time, "What do you do?" and then "What do you love the most about what you do?". Whether it's a stranger at a networking event or (in my past) a women I was interested in when I focused on what they were excited about the conversation just felt really good. When people leave smiling you know you have connected with their heart and you will have the opportunity for further conversations.

Finally, be an appreciative listener by using these follow up responses:

• Thank you, <name>, for telling me about <subject>. 
• When you were speaking, I noticed <observation>.
• You made me think about.../It was interesting that.../You really helped me...

I encourage you to activate your authentic curiosity by remembering how rare a listening ear truly is and put these ideas to work.

How to get out of your head and share your ideas

Quiet Guy - Mr. Spock

A rigid left-brain thinker who chose his words carefully Mr Spock got under Captain Kirk's skin to no end.

Like our compadre Spock, when we see the world through a logical lens and live mostly in our heads it can frustrate more expressive, extroverted people in our lives. (Just ask my wife!)

To avoid harming personal and professional relationships us introverts need to open up a bit more (or a lot more depending on your situation).

It is not easy to do. It is hard to say what's on your mind especially when there is potential for conflict.

The downside of holding ideas in our head is that it leaves others guessing and creates the perception that we don't care and are not team players.

Here are four quick tips to help you express yourself and keep extroverts on your side.

1.Just say it 

This piece of advice probably seems overly simplistic but the truth of the matter is that what makes extroverts valuable is their ability to communicate their ideas (even if they are not fully formed). Get in the habit of sharing ideas when they are half done. You can set expectations with others and take pressure off of yourself by saying something like, 'this idea is not fully formed but I'd appreciate your input to make it better'.

2. Fake it

I've found that my relationship with my wife, kids and colleagues improves when I deliberately let people know what I'm doing, where I'm going etc. and avoid my tendency to just sneak away from the party (old habits die hard). It doesn't always feel comfortable or natural but when I 'fake' being extroverted for a few minutes and let people know what's up it helps keep others thinking good thoughts about me.

3. Use a prop 

In the research work that I do for clients I've learned that it's much easier for some people to share their ideas if they have something tangible to talk about and direct their attention to. It works like a charm because it takes the focus off of you or the other person and directs it to some inanimate object, drawing or image. If you are thinking about an idea and want to get input on the idea try drawing a rough picture of it and then sharing that with others for input rather than simply talking about it.

4. Separate ideas from your identity 

In the book 'Egonomics', authors David Marcum and Steven Smith write about a powerful concept that  has helped me share ideas with others. Many of us have a hard time receiving feedback. We take input personally. Their position is that we should deliberately separate out ideas with our identity. Having a open conversation about this concept with the people you work with will open up the team, reduce hurt feelings and generate rich conversations.


If you find that critiques feel personal in nature politely direct the focus back to the idea not the person that brought the idea to the table. The goal is to create a work environment where the best idea wins no matter where the idea came from. Let's remember that ideas are a dime a dozen. Ideas without implementation don't amount to much. So don't take your ideas too seriously. When we take ourselves too seriously we tend to hold our ideas inside and it becomes a losing proposition for all involved.  

I hope these tips help you get out of your head, share your ideas and make a bigger impact in the lives of the people you live and work with.

Live quiet and prosper!

Be yourself and be successful? Or Not?

Do you ever get caught between two decisions?

I'm caught in a mental back and forth that maybe you've been through yourself. After some reflection and writing I think I have a path out of the muddle and I thought I would share it with you.

The question I have been thinking about and talking to others about is can we have everything we want by just being our quiet guy selves or do we have to stretch and grow and push ourselves to get out of our own heads and maybe take on some extroverted tendencies to be successful?

One notion I've been thinking about is that we can 'be quiet and prosper'. It is appealing to think that we can just be ourselves and succeed. It feels really good in my soul to think about just being me and having everything I dream of.

Mike Robbins wrote a book reinforcing the idea called 'Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken'.
Mike suggests that society tells us we are broken and we need to be fixed. His position is that we should focus on being ourselves, be authentic, yet at the same time what I don't think he's saying is that we can hide and run scared from life and use our quietness as an excuse.

Here is what I know from my experience. I used to be more shy than I am today. I don't think that is who I was or am. It's not authentic for me to be shy. That is not who I am. There is a distinction between shy and introverted which we should get clear about. Introversion does not mean shy. Introversion is often connected to shyness because most people don't know the difference.

Shyness is connected to fear while introversion and extroversion are related to where you get your energy from, or where you tend to live most of the time. Introverts prefer the world of thoughts and ideas and get energy or recharge by themselves. We tend to be less action-oriented and more reflective in nature. While extroverts are more action-oriented, enjoy the outer world and recharge their energy by being around other people.

The challenge is that extroverts often label introverts as shy because we tend to think before we speak. We need time to process which in a fast-paced extroverted world can be viewed as being hesitant, shy, quiet, indecisive etc. etc. etc.

I believe it's authentic to be introverted and I'm all for leveraging our strengths and finding work that allows us to use our gifts, but our tendency to live in our heads can also be limiting in an extroverted world.

My position is that I think introverts must move to the middle and adopt extroverted tendencies at times. I don't think this is inauthentic. I think it's sensible to recognize the environment and people around us and flex ourselves to create a better dynamic with the extroverts in our lives. I believe that we must get out of our heads more than we might like to, to truly have all that we want out of life.

One thing I want is less stress in my life.

I've reduced my stress over the past few years by getting out of my head more than I used to. I learned that if I share ideas with others before they are fully formed it is a win-win scenario. In the past I let my introverted ways get the best of me. I would think and think and think about ideas on my own. Analysis paralysis is a challenge for me and other introverts I've met. I've found that putting my ideas out there for others to comment on early and often has made my life much happier. I'm less stressed and my wife and colleagues feel more involved as they are able to provide input and direction early on rather than wondering what I'm thinking about for so long.

So there are two positions. One position is that you can be yourself and be successful. The other is that you must flex and adapt to your surroundings. I think the answer is a hybrid of the two ideas. You should strive to be authentic, know who you are, what you stand for and take comfort in your quiet guy gifts or talents but also recognize that you don't live in a bubble. If you have big dreams like I do it will mean stretching and growing and adapting. Just remember that you are not alone. You can keep coming back here for ideas and inspiration to get out of your head and into life in ways you probably can't even imagine right now.

What do you think?

12.5 Best One-Line Definitions of Personal Branding

Personal branding is an idea and process that many introverts resist.

Personal branding is an introverted and extroverted activity. It involves self exploration to unlock a vision for your life's work that leverages what you care deeply about, what you are most talented at and what you enjoy doing.

It goes beyond personal discovery work to include a marketing element of packaging and promoting the best of who you are so that the people you most want to work with and help know about you and ultimately hire you for what you bring to the table.

I find a lot of introverts resist the idea of personal branding because of the perception that it's about shameless self promotion, tooting your own horn, putting yourself in the spotlight etc. While there is some truth to the idea that personal branding requires putting yourself out there there are many benefits of using the ideas and concepts of personal branding to focus yourself and move more deliberately towards your goals and vision.

I'll be writing more about personal branding for introverts in an upcoming blog. Let's start the conversation with some definitions of personal branding.

I'm a member of the Linked In Group 'Personal Branding Network'. Recently the question was posed "How do you define Personal Brand in one sentence?" Over a hundred people replied to this question. In my humble opinion here are the top 12.5 ideas (in no particular order):


1. Bearing in mind that perception is not always reality, one’s personal brand is comprised of his or her appearance, personality and character traits, beliefs and attitudes, skills, and the accomplishments for which he or she is best known.

2. Your personal brand is the thing that makes you and others smile when you're talking about it or doing it.

3. The 1st thing people think of when they hear your name.

4. (This was my response) It's what people associate with you, how they think and feel about you based on their experiences with you directly or indirectly through word of mouth or content, products etc. that act as an extension of who you are and what you stand for. We all leave our mark on the people we interact with. The decision for each of us is how deliberate we want to be about it.

5. You have a personal brand whether you are aware of it or not but a strong Personal Brand will be intentional and reflect your true character, values, strengths, and uniqueness to the world around you.

6. Your brand is the answer to the question: "Why should your prospect or target pick up the phone when you call?"

7. Personal branding (any branding for that matter) is the creation, manipulation, and power to influence “perception” in the minds of others.

8. The 'emotional response you evoke in others'.

9. Your personal brand is..The promise you keep... every time!

10. Your personal brand is what others say about you when your not there.

11. Your value - what you can do uniquely well to help others address opportunities or solve problems that matter to them.

12. Your most valuable asset in business today.

12.5 The art of being yourself and being perceived as unique and valuable.


Have you defined your personal brand? Do you even care about it? It's time you took a serious look at it if you've ignored or avoided it.

Start by reflecting on your beliefs about personal branding. What aspects of personal branding do you feel could help you achieve your goals? What aspects of personal branding do you dislike and why? Revealing your affirming and limiting beliefs will help identify potential fuel to build on and barriers to manage as you build your brand.

Free Myers Briggs Personality Test and Other Resources To Know Yourself Better

Introversion is a tendency to live in one's head. When the world is going crazy we can retreat to our heads for some peace and quiet.

I first learned about introversion when I took the Myers Briggs Type Indicator assessment tool in 1998 and found out that I was an INFP - the Healer personality type. The assessment helped me feel validated for who I was. I often come back to personality assessments when I'm feeling off center and unsettled.

Today I redid the assessment and came up as INFJ - the Counselor.  And today this feels right. Aaaahhhh that feels gooooooodddd.

You can take a free Myers Briggs test at this link if you are interested
http://bit.ly/eeiFO8

There are more comprehensive tests and coaching available through CAPT.


The summary the free test provided described my profile as:

• distinctively expressed introvert
• moderately expressed intuitive personality
• slightly expressed feeling personality
• slightly expressed judging personality 

What has been helpful for me is learning that on these dimensions we can be slight or moderate or strong and that they can shift over time depending on how we fill out the survey, the mood we are in at the time and the circumstances around us that call out different sides of our personality.

I find personality assessments a quick way to find solid footing and recharge my sense of self worth when someone or something knocks it down. We all need something to lean on but it's important that we don't use assessments as a crutch. No one assessment can provide a picture of all the richness of who we are. That's why I like to use a variety of tools to find my center.

Here are three of my favourite resources:  (Note: I don't make any money promoting these resources)

1. Pearson-Marr Archetype Indicator® (PMAI®) assessment

I love the idea of living a story and playing a character and role in the world. Archetypes and the PMAI assessment help tap into our stories and roles. I will be writing about this in future blog postings.

The Pearson-Marr Archetype Indicator® (PMAI®) assessment is designed to help an individual understand the roles they prefer to adopt as they approach life.

Learn more about the PMAI
Take the PMAI for $18US

2. Playful Way to Knowing Yourself

A dynamic workbook that prompts you to look at yourself from angles and perspectives you would not otherwise see. I like the picture prompts the author uses to tap into different aspects of our personality and values. Get it here.

3. The Introverts Advantage 

One of the bibles to learn about introversion and how to leverage the strengths and manage the downsides of being a Quiet Guy. Get it here.


I love my introverted tendencies and all the richness that comes with it. Using assessments to better understand introversion and other aspects of my personality and place in the world gives me strength and stability in a constantly changing world.

What resources do you utilize to reconnect with who you are and find solid footing? Please share in the comments below.

5 Questions To Calm The Angry Introvert

Anger is an emotion that creeps up. It attaches itself to our minds and hearts like a parasite that feeds on our souls. It compromises our relationships and reputation when it strikes in unhealthy ways.

Anger is triggered when we feel we have lost something. That loss could be the loss of a loved one, the loss of money, the loss of an opportunity...the list goes on and on.

The loss of control, or the perception of it is a common trigger for anger. Tightly woven to the loss of control is the need to be right which often creates battles at home and at work.

As introverts the challenge we can have with anger is how to manage it and prevent it from building up inside of us. That is until something or someone tips the scale and blamo the anger is released. And the anger that is released often takes the form of verbal or physical actions that emotionally or physically harm others and potentially ourselves.

Let's dig deeper into the beliefs that cause anger to bubble and explode and then I will suggest some questions you can ask yourself to help take the pressure off and turn anger into calm in a matter of seconds.

When I've explored the web of beliefs connected to the need to feel in control one core belief is "I am right and they are wrong."


The reason anger builds up is that we have either not learned or are not applying the skill of surrendering our need to be right. Our need to be right creates an instant battlefield that requires a winner and a loser. A simple shift in perspective can help. We need to snap ourselves out of our own heads and get into the heads and hearts of the person we are directing our anger at as quickly as possible.

These are questions that have worked for me. I hope they help you too. 

1. Who am I being?

This question helps increase awareness of behaviour and sometimes just by itself is enough to create a healthy shift that defuses anger. 

2. Why do I love them?

This question puts the angry introvert right into the heart of the other person in a positive way and takes the focus away from winning the fight.

3. How might they be right?

There are other points of view and without giving up your voice you can share your position and then you can seek to understand the other person's position.

4. What is this costing me?

There is always a cost to anger. Reminding yourself what not dealing with anger is doing to you and those around you can move you to take positive action. 

5. Who do I want to be?

Reconnecting to the vision of the person you are striving to be is a powerful antidote to anger. 

Anger is an emotion that personally I want to work on managing better. I'm sure I'll be writing about this again. What makes you angry? How do you manage it?